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Tiffany S asked:


OK, so here is my story (in short form):
1) I am 20 years old and not married. I am 9 months pregnant with a little girl, which was never planned. I have had a romantic relationship with her father, who just turned 22 years old, for about 3 years now. At the time I became pregnant, he had been dating another girl for about a month, but continued to tell me that he loved me, lying to me about the status of his other relationship on several occasions. He continues to date this girl, has continually lied to her about my pregnancy, and has purposely planned to spend time with her on important dates such as my doctor’s visits, baby shower, ultrasound appointments, etc.
2) When I told him I was pregnant, he threatened to leave me if I did not have an abortion, and later tried to bargain with me, telling me that he would leave his other girlfriend and come back to me if I went through with the abortion. (This was an online conversation that I have logged on my computer as evidence.)
3) I have saved .mp3 versions of voicemails he’s left me, screaming at me while he followed me around our college campus, talking about how he did not love “that thing growing in my stomach”, etc. etc. I saved these in case I needed to use them in court…now he says he wants joint custody of the baby, but I am not sure I want the baby around him until he gets some serious help.
4) He is currently unemployed but is perfectly capable of getting a job since he is only 1.25 credits short of a Bachelor’s degree (though he failed to graduate from college this past year). He lives with his parents and grandmother, doesn’t pay rent, pay for his own food, etc. They know I am pregnant but have made no effort to contact or help me. I am working full-time right now, pay for my own apartment, and am right on track to finish up my Senior year of college and graduate in 2009 with my baby.
5) QUESTION: Once we establish paternity (required since we are not married), should I immediately acquire a lawyer for the child support hearing? Is this standard procedure? What might the lawyer be able to do with the aforementioned evidence? I have friends who have seen his behavior and are willing to testify in court if they have to. He has never been supportive or cooperative about the pregnancy and I am concerned for my own well-being as well as my daughter’s.

Be a little patient here people, Yahoo! wouldn’t let me enter the whole thing in one go. Thanks.
“I think you need to put any animosity aside for the sake of your pregnancy and your unborn baby.”

Thanks, but this goes far beyond any “animosity” that I may or may not hold for the baby’s father. I have forgiven him for over 3 years for all sorts of things, repeatedly cheating on me, his pathological lying, getting drunk and vomiting all over my floor expecting me to clean it up on multiple occasions, the list goes on and on. I have done nothing but try to work this relationship out with him over and over again. He has a lot of serious psychiatric issues that have gone undiagnosed for the past few years. I have spoken with a psychologist about it and it is very likely a personality disorder. There is a LOT more to this story…rest assured my daughter will know who her father is and know good things about him, and I want my daughter to be around her father, but not if his mental state is going to provide an unsafe and damaging environment for her.
I AM AWARE THAT WE NEED TO ESTABLISH PATERNITY!!! I MENTIONED THAT ABOVE ALREADY!!! YOU DO NOT NEED TO TELL ME THIS, I AM NOT STUPID!!!

And this is NOT a question about how much child support he will/won’t have to pay!!! If he pays child support, there will be custody issues to deal with, whether we are married or not!!! This is about the child support hearing…will custody come up…should I get a lawyer to express my concerns about custody at the support hearing, and is this a normal procedure?!
“As for the guy, I wouldn’t have anything to do with him. He obviously isn’t that much into you and isn’t ready for a family. He is too young. Both of you are. You have both destroyed your lives and that is why he is behaving this way. This is the time to graduate from college, get a solid career, etc. and then you plan marriages and babies. You don’t get pregnant with a guy that is seeing another girl on the side.”

Okay, who the hell are you to judge me and tell me that I have destroyed my life? Because a child that I will love with all my heart is now a part of my life? What the hell is wrong with you? Do you KNOW me? No, you sure as hell don’t. I was with this person for THREE YEARS, he was with another girl for ONE MONTH and he LIED to me about it. You are rude and judgmental and have no right to say such things to me or anyone. You people can all go take a hike, posting here was an obvious mistake, I am studying to be a lawyer and some of this “advice” is just absurd.

Nicky

Anne L asked:


Because it took me a year. Why so long, I wonder?

My husband left me after I put him through law school. He left me for a younger (but uglier…sorry) law student. I was KILLED. I cried every day for months, I begged and pleaded (now you know how attractive THAT is), I put her down, I contacted her and told her that she was ruining my life and stealing my husband (gee, I can’t believe a woman who knowingly dates a married man doesn’t care about his wife’s feelings), I was angry and petty and mean, I bargained with God (yeah, God doesn’t make deals), I pleaded with God (worked about as well as pleading with my cheating husband not to leave me after I helped him through the lean years and he’s going to be a success). Anyway, I used to read his and her myspace and blogs. I don’t know why…I guess just to know what they were up to. Well, they were dating and having fun and having *** and his family loves her. Think that made me feel good about myself? HELL NO. Did that stop me from reading it, and even looking for it? HELL NO. I’ll never understand why I willingly and knowingly subjected myself to that hurt, but then one day, like a year later, I was online and I realized, “Hey, it’s been a day since I’ve read his or her blog or myspace or facebook”. And then it dawned on me - I don’t have to read that or subject myself to that. It hurts and I know it will so I don’t have to do that. It was at that point that I took back control. These people who don’t even care about me don’t get to dictate how I feel. Sounds so simple, but it was hard to realize and it took forever to get there. But I did. One day turned into two and so on.

Anyway, I ended up filing for divorce (which pissed him off b/c who wants to be dumped on paper, even if you know in your heart that you are the dumper, not the dumpee), I got a divorce. And he got arrested for DUI and she dumped him because he was “bad for her career”. Then he begged me to take him back and I didn’t even respond. Now he can’t get hired at any decent firm because he’s considered such a risk, I went back to get a Ph.D. in child psychology (my lifelong dream), and I don’t laugh when I think about the past, but uh…damn near close.

Poetic, just because it took me a year doesn’t mean it will take you a year. I had been in love and (as far as I knew) happily married to who I thought was the man of my dreams and my best friend for five years, and I felt used and discarded because he made it clear that he only used me and now that he was done and didn’t need me anymore, he was moving on. But yes, the fact that the woman he was dating was younger and going to be a lawyer hurt, but that hurt was buffered by the fact that she was physically unattractive (sorry, but I’m just remembering what I went through, and I know that’s superficial, but that’s life), that she came from a lower class background and was much less accomplished at her age than I was at her age, and MOSTLY my hurt/jealousy was buffered by the fact that this woman was someone who had no qualms about dating a married man and didn’t think twice about committing adultery because “she didn’t take vows”…well, she still got to be named as correspondent. Yep.
MP, you are right. I cannot imagine how painful it would have been if he did this and we had children.

Now I realize that it was a starter marriage. I took it seriously. He didn’t. It meant something to me. Nothing to him. Now I am stronger, you’re right. I’ll never let any person put me on the backburner so our world can revolve around them. I am grateful for the breakup of this marriage, because I feel that I will be ready to meet a great guy who adores and respects me, as I will him, in return.

A friend of mine said, “you can’t really appreciate a truly good man unless you’ve had a bad one”. Well, let’s just say I believe her and I’m looking forward to my future with a Ph.D. in hand, my faith, my education, my good heart. And maybe a man who loves me for me and not for what I can do for him…but even if that’s not in the cards, at least I’m happy and complete on my very own, if that makes sense. I realize now that I’m worth 20 of him. I really am.

Parker